Harry Potter's New Adventure
by FunkyMunkey13713
Summary: It all started when the alien-like dude said something... I don't know what its was, it was just something... Harry realizes something that could change the outcome of the next chapter.... PG for disturbing images (maggots and... err... crap), mild violen
1. Disclaimer

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter , the song, "Albuquerque," or anything else I mention in the following story. 


	2. Harry Potter's New Adventure

What's that, Mr. Alien? "Nothing to be of your concern, you worthless, pathetic Earth-dweller. I spit upon you like a sidewalk, just as I step all over you like a sidewalk!" "You want me to kill Brittany? Okay. If you really want me to..." "Shut up, you moronic fool." "What's that? You want me to use an ax? You want me to cut off her head? Okay." "No! Do not, you imbecilic Earth creature!" "What's that? You want me to boil her severed head? I s'pose if you say so..." "Yes, Earth scum. That is exactly what I want you to do." "I thought so...." Harry awoke with a shock. Had he really told a girl named Chelsea to kill another girl named Brittany? Of course, this might have been another possessed dream, like the ones he had been having at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Yes, he had told her that.  
  
Because he was possessed by aliens.  
  
No, Harry thought. When he had these dreams before, he had been Lord Voldemort, not an alien. Although... Harry told him self... Well, maybe Lord Voledemort was an alien... Voldemort did look exactly like an alien. A snakelike alien. Yes. That must be it.  
  
(The following faces represent what the alien smiley faces look on AIM) Like this: :-o  
  
Or sometimes this: :-(  
  
And maybe this: :-*  
  
But never this: :-D  
  
Bhum, bhum, bhum.... Only when he was around Malfoy did look like a kissing, snakelike alien. Well, it's settled. He's a gay snakelike alien. Harry laughed at that thought. The only question left is: does Malfoy return his feelings? Yes, of course Malfoy does. Harry was tearing in his eyes. Ha, ha, ha! Well, he won't go out with Pansy Parkinson, he always hangs with his boyfriends, Crabbe and Goyle. Harry's conclusion: gay. It would explain a lot. Yes. Yes it would, Harry thought to himself. Malfoy hates Harry because Harry always fights with Malfoy's lover. Harry started laughing so loudly that his Uncle, Vernon Dursley, had flung his door ajar and was yelling at his to shut his trap. Speaking of gay.... "Shut your trap, you bloody broken record!" Vernon shouted at Harry. "Why in bloody HELLo operator are you laughing so loudly?" Uncle Vernon asked, outraged. "Oh just to go to a gay bar and calm down" yelled Harry. "Actually... Do you know a snakelike vampire looking dude?" he asked Uncle Vernon slammed the door closed so hard that Harry's walls shook. Darn, Voldemort must have gotten to him. They're probably going out too. Another reason Malfoy must hate Harry; his uncle was the other man Harry sighed. Everyone had a girlfriend or boyfriend or homosexual-friend but him. It made him so sad sometimes Oh, I get it now, Harry told himself. You no speaking of girlfriends, that girl he told to kill was pretty. "Haven't you noticed that Harry's has been talking to himself a little too often lately?" said a womanly voice from in the kitchen. Yes, thought Harry. He is talking to himself a lot. Harry grew angry at these words coming from Aunt Petunia's mouth. "How dare you!" he shouted. "I'll kill you!" he yelled at his aunt. "Now wait a minute!" yelled his uncle "I'll kill you too," said Harry. "Harry, stop," said his cousin. "I'll kill you while you sleep," was Harry's reply. So, in a fit of pitiless rage, took his Bee-Bee Gun and shot at Aunt Petunia. Lucky for Harry, he missed. If Harry had hit Aunt Petunia he would surely have been killed by Uncle Vernon. But now he was going to be killed by Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia. He managed to get one shot that hit Dudley. But it just sank into his stomach, doing no damage through all the layers of lard Dudley was taking a crap in the toilet. He had been in there for over twenty minutes, making desperate groans. "Ewe! What did you eat, Dud?" asked Harry after he got a whiff through the gun hole in the door. "I mean, Ickle Diddykins," Harry said. "Shut up! If I wasn't crapping, I would kill you!" "Oh, but I'll kill you," said Harry in a maniacal tone. "I can't die on the toilet!" said a frightened Dudley. "Eugh! I wouldn't go in there even if you paid me! I'll wait until you come out." "This is the last crap of your life," said Harry in a calm tone, "I'll let you enjoy it. And lay off the Mexican food! Whe-ee!" Harry sat outside the bathroom door for hours and hours. "It smells like a garbage bin full of green diarrhea from a baby. "Dudley, are you done yet?" asked Harry with a slight tone of anger. "No, you can't rush a crap like this one," was Dudley's reply. "Wait just a minute, okay? I'm almost a quarter of the way there!" said Dudley. "Ewe! That one sounded like it splattered!" said Harry. "It did a bit," said Dudley. There was some splattered poo near the edges of the door. "Ewe! It touched me!" screamed Harry. "AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Harry. "Something's crawling in it, SOMEHTING'S CRAWLING IN IT!!!!!" he yelled. "Oh that's just a worm my friend dared me to eat. Don't worry," said Dudley reassuringly. "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Harry yelled, "THAT'S NOT A WORM, THAT'S A MAGGOT!! AND THERE'S A WHOLE COLONY OF THEM!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Then Harry woke up, only to find that what had happened.... .knocked Harry out. "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" screamed Harry. But he still had a bit of poop on his left hand. "OH NO!! I THOUGHT THAT WAS CHOCOLATE!!!" Harry exclaimed. .and there was still groans coming from the bathroom. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" But then a miracle happened. He heard the toilet flush! And in a cloud of gas Dudley came out. But then he heard gurgling noised one usually hears when one's toilet is clogged. "That was a big one, said Dudley, "Go fix the toilet, Harry!" Dudley then decided that it was time to give Harry a swirly. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" yelled Harry. "Oh, you baby! Be quiet and cooperate. It's just a swirly!" "Alright," Harry said, smiling at the astonished look on Dudley's face. Harry knew that the fumes would kill both himself and Dudley instantly. Let's go then," said Dudley. "Dum, dum dee dee dum," Harry, as wise as he is, took in a deep breath and held it, so that he was not to inhale the fumes. But Dudley was not so lucky. First he started coughing Then gasping for air. Bhum, bhum, bhum.... Harry looked around. The dramatic music came from nowhere. But it didn't matter because Dudley had fallen 2 the ground. He was not moving And neither was Harry. He had held his breath for so long, he passed out. "Stupid git," said Remus Lupin from outside the window. Suddenly, he saw his parents. And then a big hairy hand grabbed him "Did you think we were going to let you die after only 14 years of torture?" asked his uncle, "And- Oh, dear God, what is that horrid smell?" Suddenly, both Lupin and Vernon began to hurl. ...on each other. Harry dodged out of the way to avoid being covered in puke. But when he was out of the room, he found his aunt with his Bee-Bee Gun pointed at him What do I do, he wondered. But he didn't have time to think of anything. His aunt said, full of rage, "You killed Ickle-Dudders. I'LL KILL YOU!!! And she shot. For the second time he saw his parents, but then they disappeared as he went down to HELLo operator. And guess what his punishment was? What was it, Harry thought. A whole mansion of nothing but maggot-crapping Dudleys. .and gas "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Harry yelled in horror. 


	3. Harry Potter's OneAdventureOld Adventure

"Have you seen Pirates of the Caribbean???" a cold voice asked. "No," was the reply.  
  
"YOU SHOULD!!!!!!" the cold voice yelled. "Okay... okay ...." said a somewhat scared voice, "Don't kill me, master. Lord Voldemort master." "I'll consider...." the cold voice, sounding more evil by the second. "Kiss my feet."  
  
Whom anyone could have assumed was a Death Eater, kissed Lord Voldemort's feet.  
  
"I'll let u live"  
  
"Oh, thank you master! Thank you!" the Death Eater said. Then the Death Eater kept repeating under his breath, "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."  
  
"Now fetch me Malfoy," Voldemort ordered the Death Eater, "He hasn't called me in ages."  
  
"Yes, master," the Death Eater replied. There was a pause and the Death Eater asked, "The young one or the old one?" "Master," the Death Eater replied hastily.  
  
"Either. They are both good," Voldemort replied, "Yes, both."  
  
"Yes, master."  
  
"If anyone approached you on the street and asks what you are doing, say this, 'I am fetching Malfoy for my master, the almighty Lord Voldemort.'" "Are they here?" Yes, master. Here, master. They are both here."  
  
"Hustle now, Wormtail."  
  
"No, master, I am Bellatrix Lestrange," Bellatrix said. Then there was a soft mutter coming from her, "Idiot."  
  
"Oh right, I can't keep these slaves straight," Voldemort said. Then he muttered, "Bimbo."  
  
"What do you mean by that, master?" Bellatrix asked.  
  
"Well, with all these slaves, it's hard to remember who's who." Voldemort told her, "I can't be bothered by things like names." "Oh, yes, master. I should have been more sensible. Yes, master. You are always right." "ALWAYS.," Voldemort repeated in an extremely creepy tone.  
  
"Yes, now where is my gay lover Malfoy?  
  
"I am here master," Malfoy said.  
  
"Good.."  
  
"What must I do, master?" Malfoy asked.  
  
"Why haven't you called me???" Voldemort demanded.  
  
"Ummm.... Umm.... Well, you see, master, I just don't think that we should see each other anymore. I'm so sorry," Malfoy said as though his death day had come today. "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Voldemort cried, "IT CANNOT BE!!!!" "I have fallen in love with Vernon Dursley," Malfoy said. (As mentioned in The New Adventures of Harry Potter, written by Chelsea Back and Brittany Horne)  
  
"That fool I had an affair with about a year ago? I- I mean...," Voldemort stuttered, "that I met while you and I were on a break?" "Yes, master. That is the one," Malfoy informed him.  
  
"Oh, I see...." Voldemort sobbed, "WHYYYY??????"  
  
Harry Potter's scar seared with pain. He's feeling sad, though Harry. Very sad. Heartbrokenly sad. Maybe this is connected with that vision of kissing Malfoy for 5 minutes straight. Yes...maybe. "Wait, I thought I was dead," whispered Harry, "What's the deal?"  
  
The following stuff in quotation marks are Harry's thoughts. "Why am I not dead?" Harry thought, "Oh yeah.... I forgot; Petunia only shot me in the leg, making pass it and think I was dead but really just in shock. Yes, that's it. Of course it is. Now Voldemort, what about him? He's never sad. Oddly suspicious."  
  
But then, not the only one acting strange. Vernon had been sneaking out. And he was acting all giggly. Now Harry knew why.  
  
Voldemort's boyfriend (Malfoy) was also Vernon's boyfriend! Harry realized. "That two- timing son of a-" Harry began.  
  
"What was that??" Uncle Vernon asked. "Ummm... nothing, Uncle Vernon."  
  
"Okay, then! Then I'm happy!"  
  
Harry then heard Uncle Vernon mutter, "Because I just scored!"  
  
"I'm going out tonight," Uncle Vernon told Harry, "Don't tell Petunia."  
  
"I mean, don't tell her I just got back," Uncle Vernon said nervously, "and don't tell Malfoy I'm going out  
  
"Okay... I guess," Harry said awkwardly.  
  
"To meet that creepy alien Voldemort guy I had an affair with a year ago," Uncle Vernon continued as though Harry had not spoken.  
  
Harry gasped( it was all a strange love triangle.  
  
"You shouldn't be telling me this, you know," Harry told Uncle Vernon. He then muttered, "Even though I already know it." "Oh. yes, I suppose." Uncle Vernon said quietly. After a long pause, he added, "Well forget it then." "Well, toodeloo!" Harry said.  
  
Wait! Harry thought. What if Voldemort was going to capture Uncle Vernon and kill him for stealing away Malfoy?  
  
I don't care, Harry thought. Yeah! No more Uncle Vernon!!!  
  
In fact, it was a good thing..  
  
"Yes, Uncle Vernon! Leave! Hurry! Don't let me slow you down! Harry said, and then added, "And I advise you to go 30 miles over the speed limit! There'll be no police out tonight!"  
  
After Uncle Vernon rushed off, someone called for him. "Harry, were did Vernon go?" It was Harry's Aunt Petunia.  
  
"I dunno.," said Harry in a slow and dumb fashion. What then followed was a severe case of awkward silence. "Well, uh........" Harry said before he coughed (as what happens in all awkward silences, except for the one who is saying, "Well, uh.. is not necessarily named Harry).  
  
"Well, I certainly hope it's not another woman! said Aunt Petunia, sounding concerned.  
  
"Nope it's not!" said Harry as he struggled to hold back a huge laugh.  
  
"Oh, good, as long as it's not that; it could b a man for all I care. Ha, ha. Imagine that Vernon, gay. It would never happen. Ha, ha," said a relieved Aunt Petunia.  
  
Harry burst out laughing.  
  
"AAAHHHHH HAAAA HAAA HAA HAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BOY?!?!?!?!" Aunt Petunia yelled.  
  
"Laughing, duh," Harry replied as though Aunt Petunia was dumb, "What are you, deaf and stupid?"  
  
"Oh, well I s'pose so.... That sorta hurt though Harry. I'm gonna cry over how I'm middle aged, deaf, s-s-stupid, and have sagging bosoms," Aunt Petunia said before bursting into tears.  
  
Harry then had a defiant look on his face, "Good, leave me alone then."  
  
"O- okay," Aunt Petunia sobbed.  
  
But then, Aunt Petunia grabbed Harry in a bone crushing hug, "Be my crying shoulder!" she wept.  
  
"Get off me!" cried Harry, but Aunt Petunia just cried harder.  
  
Harry then took his trusty knife, and then stabbed Petunia hard in the stomach.  
  
"Owie!!" cried Petunia.  
  
"Oh, well," said Petunia as she shrugged, and then hugged Harry some more.  
  
"You weird old, woman let go!!" Harry yelled.  
  
"No!!! Never!!" cried Aunt Petunia.  
  
"I feel neglected," said Dudley, as he to burst into tears.  
  
Oh, Ickle-Dudders, come in!" said Aunt Petunia.  
  
"NOO!!!!!!" cried Harry  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" cried Harry again. That's how horrible it was. He had to scream two times. But Dudley thought it was a good idea, so he joined the hug.  
  
"EWWWWWWW!!!! Aunt Petunia, you're getting blood all over me!!" bellowed Harry.  
  
"Well, you shoulda thought of that before you stabbed me!" said Aunt Petunia triumphantly.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" cried Harry. Hermione had just entered the room.  
  
"Oooo!!! I think I'll join the embrace!" Hermione said.  
  
"No, please, no!!!" Harry cried.  
  
"Yay!" cried Hermione joyfully.  
  
"STOP!!!!!!!" yelled Harry, "Okay, now Aunt Petunia, get off of me!"  
  
Harry then pulled out his wand. "DIE!!! ALL OF YOU MUST DIE!!!" bellowed Harry.  
  
"AVADA KADAVERA!!" Harry yelled as Dudley dropped dead.  
  
"Harry, that's nice," Hermione said sarcastically.  
  
"AVADA KADAVERA!!" Hermione lay on the floor, dead.  
  
"AVADA KADAVERA!!" there goes Aunt Petunia!  
  
"So now I killed all three of you," said Harry to the corpses, "MWAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
  
Now to get Ron... Harry thought. "AVADA KEDAVERA!!!!"  
  
Miles away, Ron died.  
  
Harry then apparrated to Dumbledore.  
  
"AVADA KEDAVERA!!!" cried....  
  
DUMBLEDORE!!  
  
"Na, Na, Na, Na, Naaa, Na," said Harry in a mock voice. "I'm invincible!"  
  
"So am I!" cried Dumbledore. "Yeah, I knew you were invincible! I just thought it would be cool to do that spell. But I also want to kill people."  
  
"Now put down your wand, Harry, and let's have some lemon icebox pie and talk this over," said Dumbledore calmly.  
  
"All must die..." Harry said like the Basilisk in the second Harry Potter book (written by J.K. Rowling).  
  
"Yes, yes, I know," Dumbledore said reassuringly, "but first have some pie."  
  
"Let us join forces!!" cried Harry. "And kill all?" asked Dumblebore.  
  
"Naturally," said Harry.  
  
"Well... I have also liked killing things.... Count me in! But first, pie!!! Then world domination," said Dumbledore.  
  
"Excellent." Harry said like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons.  
  
"But, first, pie," Dumbledore repeated. "Mmmmmmm... pie..." Harry drooled.  
  
"Yes, pie..." Dumbledore said cheerfully, "And tomorrow, we start the day with donuts!"  
  
"Mmmmmmmmmmmmm... donuts..." Harry drooled again.  
  
I just scored! Harry thought, thoroughly pleased with himself.  
  
"Now, when you say all, are bugs included? 'Cuz I hate bugs," Dumbledore asked.  
  
"Naturally," Harry replied.  
  
"When you say all, are bugs included?" Dumbledore asked again. "NATURALLY!!" Harry yelled.  
  
"Okay, just checking."  
  
"I understand," Harry said sympathetically, patting Dumbledore on the back.  
  
"Now, what kind of donuts?"  
  
"Well I went to the donut shop and then here's what happened: I said, 'D'you got any glazed donuts?' He said, 'No, we're outta glazed donuts!!'  
  
And I said, 'D'you got any jelly donuts?'" "Jelly?" interrupted Dumbledore. "And he said, 'No, we're outta jelly donuts!!' An' I said, 'You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?' He said, 'No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts!!' An' I said, 'You got any cinnamon rolls?'" "DONUTS NOT CINNAMON ROLLS!!" Dumbledore yelled angrily. "An' he says, 'No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!!' I said, 'You got any apple fritters?'" "DONUTS!!!" "An' he said, 'No, we're outta apple fritters!!' An' I said, 'You got any bear claws?'" "DONUTS, FOOL!!" He said, 'Wait a minute. I'll go check.' 'NO, WE'RE OUTTA BEAR CLAWS!!'  
  
An' I said 'Well, in that case, in that case, what do you have?'  
  
An' he said, 'All I got right now is this bow of one dozen starving crazed weasels.'  
  
An' I said, 'Okay I'll take that.'" "I'm not marrying someone who won't even go fetch donuts.  
  
"That thing I just said I did was exactly like in the song Albuquerque," Harry said.  
  
"I simply cannot marry you!!!" Dumbledore screamed.  
  
"Yes, you can!! DON'T LEAVE ME!!" "When you asked me to join you five minutes ago, I thought you were a man I could grow old with! Now you don't even know what donuts are!" Dumbledore said, overly dramatic. "But I am a man you can grow old with!" Harry said desperately. "Go fetch the donuts or its over!"  
  
"Okay I will!!" Harry said, apparently frightened at the thought of leaving Dumbledore, "JUST DONT LEAVE ME!!" Harry ran out of the room and within seconds he was back with a box.  
  
"One box of your favorite kind of donuts!" Harry panted.  
  
"If you don't want me to leave you, then go get glazed donuts," Dumbledore said.  
  
"I did! I did!!" Harry exclaimed, "I gave you the box, Sweet Sugar Plum!"  
  
"There, in that cupboard over there?" Dumbledore asked.  
  
"Yes!!"  
  
"Oh, I see. Good, I am pleased."  
  
Dumbledore took out his wand. "Let the killing begin."  
  
They both ran through the halls, killing everyone in their path. "AVADA KEDAVERA!! There goes Neville!!" said Dumbledore.  
  
"DIE GINNY!! AVADA KEDAVERA!!" cried Harry, "AVADA KADAVERA!! There goes sum Hufflepuff kid!"  
  
I have to go to bed, Harry thinks, Let's wrap this up, Dumbledore."  
  
**hint** **hint**  
  
Dumbledore and Harry killed everyone, including the bugs. They then lived happily eating glazed donuts and icebox lemon pie. They had grown old together after all. THE END. or is it? 


End file.
